Monday, 17 December 2012

Lalu Jokes

Lawyer to Lalu: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Funny Lalu : "Yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir Gita pe haath!!"
  Laloo: Beta ye kaisi machis laaye ho. Sasura ek bhi teeli nahi jal rahi.
Funny Son: Kya baat kartay ho papa sab ki sab check kar kay laya hoon.
  Barkha Dutt: Laloo Ji, hamare desh mein divorce ke cases badte hi ja rahe hain. Aapko kya sochte ho, iska main karan kya hai.
Funny Laloo: Shaadi.
  Funny Laloo ji 18 guards ko le kar film dekhne jate hain. Pucho to kiyun?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

Watch aur Wife me kya farak hota hai?
Funny Laloo: Watch bigadti hai to bandh ho jati hai. Wifei bigadati hai to shuru ho jati hai.
Ik bar Laloo ji sykil chala rahe the, ke achanak sykil Ik girl se takra gayi 
Girl shouted: Sala ghanti nahi maar sakta tha!
Funny Laloo: Behanji, poori sykil to maar di, ab ghanti alag se maroon ?
Laloo Prasad Yadav sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad Yadav,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Bill Gates.
Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference:

“Bhaiyo aur unki Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amreeca mein naukri mil gayee hai.”
Everyone was delighted. Laloo Prasad continued: “Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa Appointment Letter padkar sunaunga? Par letter angreeze main hai - Isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad >> Pyare Laloo Prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet >> Aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement >> Humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondence >> Ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kono zaroorat nahee.
No phone call >> Phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained >> Bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks >> Aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates.  >> Tohar Bilva
  Mayawati apne friend Lalu ke ghar GOAT le ke jati hai..
Lalu: E Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho ?
Mayawati: Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai
Funny Lalu: Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
  Train me laloo ne apna trunk upar samaan rakhne vali jagah par rakh diya. Neeche Mayavati baithi thi.
Mayawati: Lalooji, apna samman kahi or rakho, mere sirr pe gir jaega.
Funny Lalu: Koi baat nahi behanji, iss me tutne vali koi cheez nahi hai.
Lalu Prasad Yadav ka funny beta 1000 Watt ke bulb par Lalu Yadav ka naam likh raha tha.
Lalu Yadav: Bitwa, e ka kart ho?
Funny Beta: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon.
  Lalu : Ek Vidhwan Ne Kaha Ke Murakh Aadmi Ki Biwi Bahu Sunder Hoti Hai.
Rabdi : Ab Rehne Bhi Dijiye Aap Ke Paas To Hamaar Tarif Ke Alawa Kono Kaam Hi Nahi Hai.
  Lalu Goes 2A Shop & Asks:
A Bandarva Ka Photu Kitne Ka He Re?
Shopkepper: Woh Phutwa Nahin Sahib
Wo To Seesa (Mirror) He!
  Lalu to Rabri: Agar tum batao ki is bag ke andar kya hai, to sare eggs tumare, agar batao kitne eggs to 8 ke 8 tumare, aur agar tum bata do ke ande kiske hain to vo murgi bhi tumari.
Rabri: Lalu Ji, Koi hint do na?
  Rabri: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.
Funny Laloo: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost... 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.
  Laloo dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Funny Laloo: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Funny Laloo: Maine Patna phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya.
Mayavati: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Mayavati ka Funny beta: Haan mami, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.


Despite a torrid summer and on-going recession, this year the nation’s spirits have never been higher, with the Diamond Jubilee, medal successes of Team GB and inspirational Paralympics awakening a somewhat lost sense of patriotism and national pride amongst us Brits. But while many of us have celebrated by strapping on a mask of Prince William and drinking flat lager at a rain-drenched street party, comedian Dom Joly has created his own homage to all the upside down Union Jack flags, Fool Britannia.
With Jeremy Beadle unfortunately no longer alive and the BBC’s Just for Laughs having departed in 2007, there’s arguably been room in the Saturday evening schedule for a family-friendly ‘public-gets-punk’d’ hidden-camera show for some time. However, based on Saturday’s outing from the Trigger Happy TV star, fans of this genre will probably agree that it hasn’t been worth the five-year wait.
To its credit, Fool Britannia will probably do more for the British tourist industry than Coast has managed to do in seven series, with Doly’s new show traveling across the UK from Liverpool to Land’s End, taking pop-shots at Blighty’s stiff-upper lip culture. But while it’s nice to sit back and revel in the glorious sights our country has to offer, most viewers will have tuned in for the gags, yet sadly this is where the show disappoints.
In one particular scene for example, a woman looking for Pizza Hut enquires at a pop-up tourist information kiosk, only to be told by Joly’s Asian advisor that she would have to punch numbers into a giant phone to find out.
As Joly speaks to her in his mocking ‘call-centre English’ accent, the lack of reaction from the set-up woman and her willingness to go along with such an absurd situation made for staid viewing, seemingly only making the final cut to make the show seem more ‘British’.
The issue was not with the show’s tried and tested format, which still has the potential to be funny, and The Revolution will be Televised, with its array of jaw-droppingly brave and exhaustingly researched skits involving hidden cameras, proves very much that this genre still has legs. Granted, this show’s post-watershed time-slot on BBC Three, a channel famous for pushing the envelope, means it can certainly stretch the boundaries further than Fool Britainia. But that doesn’t excuse the shortcomings of Joly’s latest offering.
Characters were either recycled from previous outings or nabbed from other shows, as shown by health and safety officer Ian Yard, which seemed to me a spitting image of Come Fly With Me’s immigration officer Ian Foot. The jokes were simple and immature in the worst sense, and I do wonder who would laugh at Joly parking a New York City billboard in front of a man on a bench at Land’s End.
In my view the best thing about this show was undoubtedly its title, a clever(ish) pun that may make a five-year-old chuckle. But with sketches including children being frisked by over-zealous party bouncers, perhaps it might be more appropriate to replace ‘Fool’ with ‘Cruel’. Maybe Joly should have bought a mask of Prince William after all.

Dom Joly

Dom Joly
'Maybe the evening is intended for fans only' ... Dom Joly
There's not much in my career I'm proud of, says Dom Joly – and this, his first live show, is unlikely to extend that short list. It's not standup, just chat, in which the hidden-camera prankster screens clips from Trigger Happy TV, talks us through his rather depressing CV, and engages in deathless tit-for-tat with the audience. Genial as he seems, Joly proves himself no comedian, nor even an insightful raconteur. As banal tale of reality TV follows so-so tale of global travel, one's interest dwindles sharply.
Maybe the evening is intended for fans only – but they could see these clips on YouTube. The unconverted, meanwhile, will stay that way: the supposed highlights of Trigger Happy shown here are often crass and dimwitted. This poor man's Chris Morris is surprised when the BBC sacks him, and rushes into the arms of Sky, for whom he does a pissed-up world tour. Later, Joly recounts visits to North Korea and Lebanon. The level of wit and intelligence here reaches its apex when our host notices with a thrill that Prypiat (near Chernobyl) provided the backdrop to Call of Duty, his favourite videogame.
Throughout, and notwithstanding the egotism of this whole enterprise, the I'm a Celebrity veteran asserts his indifference to celebrity. And yet he gets excited at the presence of Big Brother "star" Brian Belo, who is invited onstage to smash a guitar. (A rock'n'roll thing to do, apparently – if not a funny one.) A later Q&A session involves Joly arguing with a punter about the quality of his wristwatch. Never mind Trigger Happy; my trigger finger was twitching. Joly's climactic stunt necessitates fleeing the theatre in haste without stopping to applaud ... I doubt I was alone in being delighted to oblige